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But when fetishism is brought up with respect to fat attractions, it always seems to bring a cloud over the conversation. becomes an indictment of both the body and its beholder.Fat fetishism has deep roots for many fat people, especially fat women.And we live in a culture that proves us right at every turn.Fat women with sexual appetites are made punchlines again and again and again.The whole exercise of online dating had been exhausting, as it is for so many. Some months earlier, I’d gone on a first date with another promising person.But online dating as a fat woman meant that every message was a minefield, poised to shred through my tender body. A few years earlier, I’d begun talking with someone who was cute, flirtatious, smart and warm. During his first drink, he shared that he used to be fat himself. Over time these experiences left me deeply rattled, certain that any partner who would have me would be plagued with resentment for my body, deep insecurities over their own, or some more sinister pathology. M was direct, commanding, disarming and unusually forthright.The only way for any of us to conceive of my body as being desirable was if that desire was pathological. That want had to be a darker turn, something murky, unsettling, unsafe.Like my friends, I couldn’t separate predatory attitudes from garden variety attraction to a body like mine.
No, I would go willingly, grateful for their conquest.
I was unaccustomed to such intense attention, especially in a world that instructed partners of fat people to our bodies, as if our bodies were some external inconvenience. But M loved every part of mine, wanted to touch it all, wanted it forever.
Over time, acquaintances would cautiously ask about M.
It was so strange, so foreign to feel held so completely. For one year, our relationship was unlike any I’d had, supercharged with desire and longing, a steady and comforting pressure.
But the times I felt furthest from this love of ours were when M complimented my body.